The ups and downs in marriage are common things, often couples bicker until the problem becomes bigger and leads to divorce. However, before deciding to get a divorce, it’s good to seek advice from a marriage therapist first.
Aaron Anderson, a marriage and family therapist said, many married couples have come to see him. They usually feel frustrated and want advice from Aaron as soon as possible to overcome household problems.
“They usually have problems for years, and try to fight themselves to deal with it,” said Aaron as quoted by the Huffington Post.
“They have had a bad marriage, and feel that they have reached the limit of patience that came to see me,” Aaron added.
Aaron is a director at The Marriage and Family Clinic, a wedding consultation place located in Denver, Colorado. Aaron and his fellow marriage counselors provide advice that can be used as a reference, by every couple who wants to save their marriage.
This marriage therapist’s advice is the standard they provide, for couples who are on the verge of divorce, but still want to save their marriage.
Ask yourself: Is there anything worth saving from marriage even if only 10%?
Samantha Rodman, a psychologist at Takoma Park said, “If the couple I meet focuses on small positive things, it is the basis for rebuilding their relationship. Many couples only focus on the weaknesses of one another. If they can think about good things the couple has, this can be a stepping stone to improve their relationship. ”
Keep in mind that this is just a difficult time that can be passed
“A crisis in marriage will usually make couples have mixed feelings. Between wanting to separate, or wanting to stay for a year or two. I tell clients that we need time, so that the crisis can settle. So we can be sure, what they really want , “said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist from Arkansas.
Relating to a partner, even if it feels awkward
When a relationship with a partner is bad, of course we don’t want to be close to him. Especially hugging and whispering intimate words. However, Aaron advised to do this.
“Your relationship grows out of a feeling of love and affection, and you want to get to the point where everything feels natural. Send a message of love or interest to the workplace of a partner. They know that this is done by force, but usually they will appreciate it,” said Aaron.
Know that conflict is a way for relationships to grow stronger
Jeannie Ingram, a couple therapist in Nashville stated that the problems in marriage do not mean that divorce ends.
“The existence of a conflict indicates that the relationship is developing,” Jeannie said. “Almost every relationship grows from a romantic state, to a struggle to survive.”
Jeannie added, in this temporary condition, human encouragement made us defend ourselves and protect ourselves. That is why we often find fault with partners.
“This causes a negative reaction from the couple, whether he withdraws or even attacks,” said Jeannie.
This can make the problem bigger than it should. So then, one or both parties feel that they cannot renew the love they once had.
“But, with the right communication skills, you can do it,” said Jeannie.
Too ordinary to use the words ‘I’ and not ‘us’
Aaron stated, one of the mistakes that couples often make is that they often say ‘I like this’ or ‘I am so’, rather than ‘us’.
In fact, after marriage, all conditions that occur are due to the actions of both parties. Because the tendency to separate ourselves from a partner, it will be very easy to inflict mistakes on others.
Aaron gave an example of a sentence that must be expressed during a fight such as: ‘We are arguing a lot, and some of it is my fault, because I let my emotions get out of hand.’
“Repairing the wrong thing in yourself can make your relationship better,” said Aaron.
Ask yourself, why do you still want to maintain marriage
The desire to make relationships work well, no matter how many challenges, is one of the strongest ways to predict the success of a relationship.
“If both parties want the relationship to work, then they must try to make it happen,” said Antonio Borrello, a psychologist in Detroit.
Antonio also told the couple who came to consult him, to consider all parties involved in the continuation of their relationship, including children.
Finding a new partner does not mean that the relationship becomes easier
“Focus on development and recovery in relationships. You can indeed start a relationship with a new person, but surely the same dynamics will occur. So, it’s open to do therapy, if divorce is a solution, do it consciously, without blaming anyone, “explained Jeannie Ingram.
Consider the impact of your relationship on children
“Do not divorce if you are not sure, wait until the problem becomes clear. If you have children, you should be able to explain to them about everything you do to maintain marriage,” said Becky Whetstone.
Focus on things you can change in marriage
Aaron told that, often the couple who came to him complained about the behavior of the husband / wife who made them upset. And hopes for their life partner to stop the habit.
“Instead of demanding that your partner change, it’s better to change our habits that your partner dislikes. And let him change things he can change. This way, you will find yourself more relaxed, a better mood. And the result, the relationship begins to in a better direction, “said Aaron.
Hopefully this 9th marriage therapist’s advice is useful for you.